Top 10 Egyptian tout one-liners

Maverick Egyptologist John Anthony West once wrote something along the lines of, “The only things more persistent than Egyptian flies, are Egyptian touts.” Harsh, but fair.

Wander around any of the tourist sites in Egypt, and swarms of touts will be buzzing around, entreating you to buy their alabaster sphinx, or ride their camel. While the touts at the Pyramids are arguably the most vicious (and irritating) in Egypt, touts elsewhere can be quite a lot of fun.

The stallholders at Khan al-Khalili are a case in point. Silver-tongued black belts at haggling, they could – to invert a common phrase – sell rain to the English.

The lively bazaar (and bizarre) banter is, in my opinion, the best reason to visit the Khan. Because let’s face it, lots of the stuff sold there is kitsch crap. And anything that is worth buying, can be bought elsewhere at a fraction of the cost. But some of the lines you hear… well, they are priceless.

Here’s a selection of ten of the best, and the most common, tout one-liners I’ve come across. Some were used on me; others on friends of mine; and others I was lucky enough to witness. Enjoy!

1. “How can I take your money?”
An absolute classic, to which the correct answer is something like, “Over my dead body!”

2. “Everything cheaper than Asda price.”
Sometimes accompanied by a pat to the back pocket, signifying money saved. (Asda is a British supermarket chain, that markets itself as being super-cheap.)

3. “Hello Mrs Camel from Zamalek.”
This one is just too bizarre. Funny thing is, the girl on the receiving end actually did live in Zamalek!

4. “Come buy my cheap rubbish!”
A common command that seems to work all too often.

5. “Come in here – I have what you are looking for.”
It really doesn’t matter what you are looking for. If this guy doesn’t have it, he knows a man who does.

6. “Buy one shisha, get Egyptian husband free.”
Pure genius! (A shisha pipe is a water pipe, often used to smoke flavoured tobacco.)

7. “Excuse me, you dropped something… my heart.”
All those cheesy chat-up lines you laughed at as a kid – they are alive and kicking in the Khan!

8. “I’m already married, I just want your money!”
Disarmingly honest, and the better for it.

9. “Why did the chicken cross the road? To come into my shop.”
Bit of a cheat, because the guy who says this is in Aswan, not Cairo. But it’s too good not to include, and I know he’d be proud!

10. Stallholder: “What you need?”
Tourist: “Shukran.” (“Thank you”, as in “No thank you, I don’t want anything”)
Stallholder: “I have shukran. What size you want?”
Best. Line. Ever!

What are some of the best lines you’ve ever heard, in Egypt or elsewhere? Share some in the comments below.