The North Pole Travel Guide
Although there have been intense discussions over Mr. and Mrs. Claus' winter-time dwelling place, we are quite sure they don't shack up in Lapland or Russia, but in the arctic tundra of the North Pole. Located at 90 degrees latitude and marked by a festive candy-cane stripped pole and flag, it is the North Pole's seemingly inhospitable climate and remote location that make it the perfect epicenter for the creation of Christmas spirit and seasonal joy. Although there are no known cases of elves, reindeer and snow-people still existing in their natural habitat of living in giant mushrooms together and eating snow, they seem to have adapted well to the introduction of toy making, sled pulling, consumerism, and general good cheer and merriment. Today the North Pole is a flurry of activity between the months of July and January.
While Mr. Claus focuses on eating his daily quota of cookies dipped in butter, Ms. Claus handles the financial and legal departments or her brainchild, Claus Corporation, and plans their Q1-4 budgets as well as keeps up to date on all gift-giving tax codes. Reindeer workout their sleigh pulling muscles on imported Pilate's machines while elves work busily under Santa's watchful eye, impressively constructing brand-name toys from materials gathered in the nearby forest. Only the Snowpeople are excluded, popping up here are there for a new carrot nose or a coal button, keeping primarily to themselves among the glaciers of their origin.
Since the modes of entry and exit to the North Pole is via the Polar Express or reindeer sleigh, tourism is limited, although by no means impossible. Similar to the Hogwarts Express or Tinkerbell, the only way to call the Polar Express is with a really great bell and a heart of gold, although anyone who can handle a pony ride can successfully wrangle a reindeer. Book at least a season in advance because hotel space is limited depending on the season.
During winter the Barnyard B&B is great for those traveling with reindeer, while the Mistletoe Motel, which can be rented by the hour, is better suited for couples needing to "get away". Try the Yuletide Yurts if you're looking for something more rustic and every January through July the Claus' Cottage Complex is available for home-stay while the Mr. and Ms. enjoy their time share in Boca Raton. Similar to other cold and snowy northern towns, drinking is prevalent among the North Pole local populations. Frequented by elves, reindeer, and Snowpeople, The Red Nose hosts Gong Show Wednesdays is a great place to try the locally brewed beer Sasquatch Ale. If you're overweight, male, and have a white beard the Saints Club is the gentleman parlor for you.
Dining options are few given the regions placement in a barren tundra thousands of miles from the nearest agriculturally-sustainable land. White sugar and food coloring are the North Pole's two biggest imports (with tinsel trailing in third), and a large portion of that is used by Ms. Claus to keep Mr. Claus happily fed. The rest gets distributed to the local elf restaurants around town. Elves, after subsisting only on snow for centuries, first tasted sugar soon after the arrival of Mr. and Ms. Claus. The introduction of sweets into the elvish diet turned them from listless mushroom-dwellers to efficient and cheerful workers, bent on making enough toys to pay for their ever-growing sweet tooth-s. The moment work is done in Santa's Workshop, all the elves of the North Pole flood out of the factory and into Ms. Claus' Bakery, not recommended for diabetics.
Where to Go in The North Pole
