Why Pirates are Better than Ninjas: A Definitive List

Featured — By Rachel Greenberg on September 19, 2010 at 6:00 am

At NileGuide we love pirates. Maybe not as much as this dude, but we still think they’re pretty freaking cool. They crave adventure, freedom, travel, and the lure of the open sea — essentially they’re just like us. Long before any sophomores quit college to hitchhike across Europe or stuffed their packs for studying abroad, pirates were on the cutting edge of around-the-world travel.

And another thing, we don’t really like ninjas. It’s not that we  hate them, they’re just not our faves. They’re sneaky, cagey, and make us feel nervous and uncomfortable; in essence the antithesis of pirates. We just can’t understand how they could have amassed such a meme cult following, and so here is a list to prove ONCE AND FOR ALL, that:

Image: Online Joke Shop/Clipart ETC/The Writer Ninja



Here’s the thing about pirates and their clothes, those dudes LOVE to LAYER. And what’s more hip and fashionable than layers? Can’t think of anything? Huh, weird because the answer is NOTHING. Along with the fact that over-the-knee boots are IN this season, pirates have some of the coolest outfits of any of the warrior-seafarers we can think of.  They somehow manage to straddle the line between unwashed-hobo-chic and disheveled-scallywag-cool. Plus, their exotic travels mean they can sprinkle ethnic flair in with their everyday work wear. Seriously, these dudes are so hot right now.

What do ninjas wear? Black. Head to toe. What did you say? Black slippers too? Yawn. I think I just fell asleep. Wake me up when dark monotone is interesting again.


Pirate accessories are beyond bad-ass. Here’s a list of all the neat things pirates are fully allowed to own and wear WHILE STILL LOOKING UNBELIEVABLY MANLY: 1. scraggly, patchy facial goatees, 2. alluring eye-patches, 3. beads in their dreadlocks, 4. red and/or black scarfs,  5. eyeliner, 6. hoop ears, 7. low, hip-slung musket belts, 8. feathers in their caps, 9. capes (preferably billowing), 10. a wooden stick instead of a leg. In addition, they get parrots on their shoulders, which are friendly companions and their wings provide for a yummy afternoon snack (these dudes are uber resourceful).

Image: Think Lynsen

We could go on but we don’t want the ninjas to get really jealous and then start to cry on their ONLY semi-cool accessory; a throwing star, which would, in turn, get rusty from their ninja tears. Throwing stars are actually pretty savage, and that would be a real waste.


Image: Screen Rush

As abrasive as pirates can be to, say, a treasure laden Spanish galleon, they are a pretty loving bunch when it comes to their fellow pirates and the occasional pirate wench. The truth is that these guys had boats not much bigger than your office [Ed. note: Start ups at sea?]. They had to man ships, strategize hostile marine take-overs, and live relatively harmoniously with each other for months on end, without land or other people for hundreds of miles. If pirates can survive that, and then still want to do it again, they’re probably pretty friendly fellows who would be fun to be around. (or their lust for gold and blood thirsty nature make them so feared and loathed that no other pirates would dare disobey them. Either way. Still cool.)

Ninjas have no friends. Cat’s try to be their friends, but ninjas just aren’t the sociable types.

Bad-Ass Names

If there’s any question in your mind about how much of a bad-ass factor pirate names have, please watch the following clip from the ultimate pirate film, Muppet Treasure Island.


Ninjas don’t have names, but more importantly, they don’t have a Muppet movie made in their honor. We probably should have started with that fact since it pretty much proves our argument. CASE AND POINT.

The Fairer Sex

Image: Krapsody/Flickr

Pirate wenches are a rare breed. Although many a Halloween superstore would have you think this is what a female pirate should look like, we all know they’re really selling pirate wenches short. They really should look more like this, this, or this. These busty babes like the grog, the salt air, and the occasional man of the sea. They’re tough cookies who melt pirate-y hearts with their sexy independence and brute strength.

Do ninjas even have over-sexed women? Do ninjas even have sex, what with the importance of concentration and quietness? We guess it’s a possibility that some ninjas are women, but given their lackluster, androgynous outfits no one can tell anyway.

Pirate Jokes/Yarrrr Speak

Although not easy to make fun of, pirates are easy to joke about. For example:

Q: What did the pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in the freezer?
A: Shiver me timbers!

Image: Bizarro/Chron
Just the fact that an entire website dedicated to pirate jokes exists is cool, but don’t forget about the international phenomenon Talk Like a Pirate Day (don’t miss it on September 19th!).

As far as we know, ninjas try their best to be as silent as possible and not make any sound. And how much fun can that be? This is an example of a ninja joke.



Yeah. We didn’t laugh either. Ninjas don’t have a sense of humor. Except for Raphael and his band of Turtle friends. Those guys were awesome!

We’re giving away a trip to Arrrruba

‘Nuff said.

And there you have it! Got another good reason why pirates rule and ninjas drool? Think we’re ninjaist jerkfaces?? Let us know!

[Main Image: Roboworks]

Tags: Ninjas, pirates, Pirates > Ninjas, Pirates are better than ninjas


  • J says:

    I thought the ninja joke was funny!

  • Viral says:

    you should have put the pirate, the greater than sign (>) and then black space, because a ninja cannot be seen….

    otherwise great article, but i still think ninjas are better….

  • Captain Annie says:

    Aye maties Pirates be much more fun than Ninjas. But ye forgot the bit about the BOOTY! How much gold does yer Ninja have compared to yer average Pirate? nary enough to buy a decent keg o’ rum I’ll wager. And for all their dancing and jumpin and posin’ a Pirates blunderbuss would put an end to any o them black garbed skallewags faster than a change o the wind in storm season.
    And aye it be Talk Like a Pirate day, thank yee. I’ll be gettin back to me rum now…

  • Carlo says:

    But the question that all guys will inevitably ask is…who would win in a fight?

  • Jason says:

    Those somalian pirates dress like idiots!

  • Alex says:

    Accessories are all wrong. The author didn’t even make an effort to research ALL of the weapons a Ninja has in his arsenal. Not only ninjas have shurikens, but add in a katana, kusari-gama, caltrops, smoke bombs, climbing hooks, hidden blades, poison-tipped blowdarts, and a whole bunch of other stuff.

  • noblebandit says:

    Vagabonds of the Sea

    Rebels, murderers, cutthroats, thieves
    Modern marauders of the high seas
    Enemies of mankind the risks are great
    Carving a crimson career magnifique
    Sea-going wealth sails unprotected
    Lying in wait. It’s ours for the taking
    Opportunity or disaster alone at sea
    Alight. Desperate slice of society
    Most vulnerable ships a potential victim
    Wait, lads wait. Can’t you swim?
    Wild frontier out at sea
    Modern high seas piracy
    Ahoy! Every ship in uncharted waters
    Beyond laws reach confident mariners
    The sea is vast and unforgiving
    Free to plunder. Men are drawn to it
    Unregulated waters a million miles
    A fine big ship once darkness falls
    Mon Capitan! Hoist skull and crossbones
    With homemade grenades and pistols
    Slip aboard aggressive and violent
    Crew surrenders without a fight
    Bloodied and frightened flee over the side
    No defense against cargo crime
    What’s this? A private vigilante?
    Anyone this channel. May Day! May Day!
    Waiting for me with a knife
    Abandon the raid. Unlucky strife
    He’s out to get me. Hit in the neck
    In trouble now. Dropped to the deck
    Very well sail on little ship
    To hell with them! Died a pirates death


  • governale says:

    This 49-second video, When You’re a Pirate, supports your claim.


  • Ninjas4Ever! says:

    Pfft! Pirates only have magical powers on water. Ninjas can fly! “When was the last time you saw ninjas with wenches?” Hah! When was the last time you saw ninjas period? Exactly. You didn’t, and you never will. Ninjas are invisible. They don’t need pilates because they’re already fit, unlike fatty pirates. Ninjas would kill all pirates in the world before pirates even knew what hit them.

  • Laaaame! says:

    Whatever! Pirates suck balls! Ninjas are super fast and you can never even see them! They have sweet weapons and would totally eviscerate pirates every time!!!

  • I said so says:

    Ninjas > Pirates, who are < teddy bears.

  • Colette says:

    So “I Said So” who is greater the ninjas or teddy bears? lol


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